Book of Remembrance entry guidance

How to craft a memorable and individual entry

The purpose of a Book of Remembrance entry is to honour the memory of a deceased person. It will last for decades and hopefully even centuries to come.

The challenge is that in five to eight lines you have to encompass a life.

A good entry will reflect the individuality of the person being remembered. Think about their relationships, achievements, interests, personality and what was important to them.

It should be about them, not about you.

The entry is not a way to communicate with the deceased, but to record publicly why they were loved and valued. No one doubts that you loved them, so do you need to say it? Show, don’t tell. You don’t need to include who the entry is ‘from’, and words like ‘I’. ‘our’ and ‘we’ won’t generally be appropriate. It’s about remembering them.

Make it special. You can find on the internet long lists of conventional phrases or snippets of verse which people reach out for when inspiration fails them. But in the end these say little about the person they wish to remember. One of the shortest epitaphs at Highgate Cemetery, ‘Lawyer. Should have been a marine biologist’, conveys so much more than something like ‘Back at home with the friends I knew’.

Remembering the deaths of babies, children and young adults is quite different. Consolation is important. Inevitably the feelings of loss and the sadness of potential denied are strong. Including a child’s full dates and age can be very moving as a reminder of the brevity of their life, and placing them in a family network, for example ‘Daughter of Emma and Charlie, sister of Liam’, will emphasise the loving circle which surrounded them. With an older child you can add interests, hobbies or enthusiasms.

Here are a few tips to help you write a good entry:

Do

• think about how they would have liked to be remembered
• think about who and what was important to them
• discuss your ideas with other friends and family members
• give yourself time to think about it, and wait until your emotions have settled a little
• focus on the positive

Don’t

• use cliché’s like ‘Gone but not forgotten’, ‘Forever in our hearts’
• waste words on statements like ‘In Loving Memory’. That’s obvious…
• be negative. This is not the place for it.
• include jokes that others might find insensitive
• include details of their life likely to upset other people close to them
• focus on your own feelings of grief or loss

 

Version 1: 23 August 2024